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Marketting for Dummies

1. --You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and say, "I'm fantastic in bed". 
--That's Direct Marketing.
2.--You're at a party with a bunch of friends and see a gorgeous girl. One of your friends goes up to her and pointing at you says "He's fantastic in bed". --That's Advertising.
3. --You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and get her telephone number. The next day you call and say, "Hi, I'm fantastic in bed". --That's Telemarketing.
4. --You're at a party and see a gorgeous girl. You get up and straighten your tie, you walk up to her and pour her a drink.  You open the door for her, pick up her bag after she drops it, offer her a ride, and then say, "By the way, I'm fantastic in bed". --That's Public Relations.
5.--You're at a party and see a gorgeous girl. She walks up to you and says, "I hear you're fantastic in bed". --That's Brand Recognition
6. --You're at a party and see a gorgeous girl. You talk her into going home with your friend. --That's a Sales Rep.
7.--Your friend can't satisfy her so she comes to your house. --That's Tech Support.
8.--You're on your way to a party when you realize that there could be gorgeous women in all these houses you're passing. So you climb onto the roof on one situated toward the center and shout at the top of your lungs, "I'm fantastic in bed!"

100% performance

Hi Friend's,

We have all been to those meetings where someone wants more than 100%. Well here's how you do that. Here's how you can achieve 103%.
First of all, here's a little math that might prove helpful in the future. How does one achieve 100% in LIFE? Begin by noting the following: IF:

A = 1,B = 2,C = 3,D = 4,E = 5,F = 6,G = 7, H = 8, I
= 9, J = 10, K= 11, L = 12, M = 13, N = 14, O = 15,
P = 16, Q = 17, R = 18,S =19, T = 20,U = 21, V = 22,
W = 23, X = 24, Y = 25 and Z = 26
Then: H A R D W O R K is 8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11= Only 98%

Similarly, K N O W L E D G E is 11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = Only 96%

But interesting (and as you'd expect), A T T I T U D E is 1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100% ...

This is how you achieve 100% in LIFE.

But EVEN MORE IMPORTANT TO NOTE (or REALIZE), is B U L L S H I T is 2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103%. So now you know what all those high-priced consultants, upper management, and motivational speakers really mean when they want to exceed100%!

You are an Indian if

a. Everything you eat is savored In garlic, onion and tomatoes. You try and reuse gift wrappers, gift boxes, and of course aluminum foil.
b. You try to eject food particles from between your teeth by pressing your tongue against them and making a peculiar noise like tshick,tshick,tschick,tschick.
c. You are standing next to the two largest size suitcases at the Airport.
d. You arrive one or two hours late to a party and think its normal.
f. You peel the stamps off letters that the Postal Service missed to mark up.
g. You recycle Wedding Gifts.
h. You name your children in rhythms (eg. Honey, Money, Ram, Shyam..)
j. All your children have pet names, which sound nowhere close to their real names.
k. You take Indian snacks anywhere it says "No Food Allowed"
l. You talk for an hour at the front door when leaving someone's house.
m. You load up the family car with as many people as possible.
n. You use plastic to cover anything new in your house whether it's the remote Control, VCR, carpet or new couch.
o. Your parents tell you to not care what your friends think but they won't let you do certain things because of what the other "Uncles And Aunties" will think.
p. You buy and display crockery, which is for special occasions, which never happen.
q. You have a vinyl tablecloth on your kitchen table.
r. You use grocery bags to hold garbage.
s. You keep leftover food in your fridge in as many numbers of bowls as possible.
t. Your kitchen shelf is full of jam jars, varieties of bowls and plastic utensils (got free with some household items).
u. You carry a stash of your own food whenever you travel (and travel means any car ride longer than 15 minutes).
v. You own a rice cooker or a pressure cooker.
w. You fight over who pays the dinner bill.
x. You majored in engineering, medicine or law and now........are after Software and only Software no matter which field you belong to..
y. You live with your parents and you are 40 years old.(And they prefer it that way).
z. You don't use measuring cups when cooking.
aa. You feel like you've gotten a good deal if you didn't pay tax.
ab. You never learnt how to stand in a queue.
ac. You can only travel if there are 5 persons at least to see you off or receive you whether you are traveling by bus, train or plane.
ad. If she is NOT your daughter, you always take interest in knowing whose daughter has run with whose son and feel proud to spread it at the velocity of more than the speed of light.
ae. You only make long distance calls after 11 p.m.
af. If you don't live at home, when your parents call, they ask if you've eaten, even if it's midnight.
ag. You call an older person you never met before "uncle."
ah. When your parents meet strangers and talk for a few minutes, you discover you're talking to a distant cousin.
ai. Your parents don't realise phone connections to foreign countries have improved in the last two decades, and still scream at the top of their lungs when making foreign calls.
aj. You have bed sheets on your sofas so as to keep them away from getting dirty.
ak. When dining out, you think Rs 10 is enough of a tip.
al. It's embarrassing if your wedding has less than 500 people.
am. You list your daughter as "fair and slim" in the matrimonial no matter what she looks like.
an. You treat the NRI persons (especially from America) as if they are the only persons living in this world (including YOU).
ao. You've seen the ground while inside the lavatory of a train.
ap. All your tupperware is stained with food color.
aq. You have drinking glasses made of steel.
ar. You have mastered the art of bargaining in shopping.
as. You have really enjoyed reading this mail.

Good Thoughts in New Year

There's one thing about baldness - it's neat.
To dream of the person you would like to be is to waste the person you are.
Not to hope for things to last forever, is what the year teaches.
Knowledge is not only power, it can also be a burden.
Diplomacy is the art of letting somebody else have your way.
A wise man will make more opportunities than he finds.
Only look to the past to gain knowledge to help avoid mistakes in the future.
People who value their privileges above their principles soon loose both.
Never put yourself down; others are only too willing to do it for you.
Parents spend the first part of a child's life getting him to walk and talk and the rest of his childhood getting him to sit down and shut up.
In judging others, folks will work overtime for no pay.
A garden is for sharing; nobody owns a garden.
When a man opens the car door for his wife, it's either a new car or a new wife.
We're drowning in information and starving for knowledge.
Farmers worry only during the growing season, but town people worry all the time.
I forget what I was taught. I only remember what I have learnt.
Women do not gossip....they network.
It takes courage to marry; it takes more courage to stay single.
We have first raised a dust and then complain we cannot see.
What comes from the heart, goes to the heart.
If you wish to grow thinner, diminish your dinner.
Better a thousand enemies outside the house than one inside.
Happiness is nor what you experience, but what you remember.
Footprints on the sands of time are not made by sitting down.
If you want to be loved, be lovable.
A concept is stronger than a fact.
Ambition can creep as well as soar.
A smile costs less than electricity and gives more light.
Everything is funny, as long as it's happening to somebody else.
The intellect is always fooled by the heart.
When people tell you how young you look, they are also telling you how old you are.
Vote for the man who promises least, he'll be the least disappointing.
The best way to solve problems is not to create them.
A woman is as old as she looks, a man's old when he stops looking.
Never trust a husband too far, nor a bachelor too near.
A woman appreciates a man with a strong will - made out in her favour.

>The Story of a Woodcutter...

Once upon a time, there was a very strong woodcutter. He asked for a job from a timber merchant, and he got it. The pay was really good and so were the work conditions. For that reason, the woodcutter was determined to do his best. His boss gave him an axe and showed him the area where he was supposed to work.

The first day, the woodcutter brought down 18 trees. The Boss was very much impressed and said, "Congratulations, Go on that way!"

Very motivated by the words of the boss, the woodcutter tried harder the next day, but he only could bring down 15 trees. The third day he tried even harder, but he only could bring down 10 trees. Day after day he was bringing down less and less trees. "I must be losing my strength", the woodcutter thought to himself.

He went to the boss and apologized, saying that he could not understand what was going on. "When was the last time you sharpened your axe?" the boss asked. "Sharpen? I had no time to sharpen my axe. I have been very busy trying to cut trees.

Our lives are like that. We sometimes get so busy that we don't take time to sharpen the axe.

In today's world, it seems that everyone is busier than ever, but less happy than ever. Why is that? Could it be that we have forgotte how to stay sharp? There's nothing wrong with activity and hard work. But we should not get so busy that we neglect the truly important things in life, like our personal life, taking time to read etc. We all need time to relax, to think and meditate, to learn and grow. If we don't take time to sharpen the axe, we will become dull and lose our effectiveness. So start from today, think about the ways by which you could do your job more effectively and add a lot of value to it.

Bin Laden humor